With the start of the Grand Prix season at hand it is time for Formula One Mum’s totally accurate predictions for Formula 1 2012.
Having performed reiki on a crystal sitting on top of a Tarot card, placed on a Ouija board and doused with homeopathic rescue remedy in the middle of Stonehenge on the Winter Solstice, I can reveal with certainty the shocking events that await Formula 1 in the months ahead:
At the start of their Melbourne coverage, Jake Humphrey, Eddie Jordan and David Coulthard confirm that the BBC is more committed than ever to its F1 coverage. Unfortunately, a technician then knocks over the Melbourne back screen behind them to reveal that they are actually in the BBC car park in Salford.
The Bahrain GP goes ahead but at Brands Hatch rather than Sakhir (see separate post). Drivers complain about the sand blown onto the circuit from the drought parched surrounding desert, or Kent as its better known.
Mark Webber celebrates his victory in the Monaco GP by somersaulting into the Red Bull swimming pool, only to be informed that the Team have decided to dispense with the pool this year and he has in fact jumped into the motor home septic tank.
The future of the Spanish Grand Prix is assured when the Valencia and Barcelona circuits announce a major joint sponsorship deal with “Goodnight” sleeping tablets.
After a string of back-to-back poles and victories, Adrian Newey announces at Silverstone that he plans to “cut out the monkeys” and that he will drive the Red Bull himself for the remainder of the season.
HRT issue a press release stating that they remain fully committed to their current driver line up. They promptly replace Karthikeyan with Chandock; Karthikeyan then replaces De La Rosa; Heidfeld replaces Chandock who is then replaced by Alguersuari, who is replaced by a pan of paella on the BBC coverage. They all qualify last on the grid and finish just ahead of the Marussia drivers in the races.
Williams GP confirm that they are still focused on achieving race and championship winning success, when announcing their 2012 driver line up of Richie Rich and Tamara Ecclestone.
Vladimir Putin, with tears of joy running up his face lift, goes on Russian state television to announce Vitaly Petrov as World Drivers Champion and Marussia as constructors champs.
In a shock outcome, the ancient Mayans and the makers of the movie “2012” are proved correct when the entire world is destroyed by a massive series of improbable special effects. From the safety of his orbiting giant survival space capsule, Bernie Ecclecstone announces that as far as he is concerned the 2013 GP season is going ahead and that it is for the circuit promoters to decide to cancel and face the financial penalties.
FORMULA ONE MUM